Getting an Infection of the Descending Colon at Age 23 (Part I)

Since writing a wonderful piece on the swine flu just a few days ago, I have learned just how fickle the news cycle is, and just how irrelevant my post on the swine flu already is. Today I tackle a much more timeless subject: the human colon.

We've all been there: waking up at 3 a.m. with crippling pain in the lower-left abdomen such that any movement sends newer more exquisite pains throughout the area (area of the body that is, not a geographical area, others around you can't literally feel your pain, unless you have a twin nearby).

However, wussy hypochondriac that I am, when I got the 3 a.m. wake-up I decided to drive myself to the emergency room to see if it was serious. Besides, the pain had started the day before as a kind of cramping sensation--like the side-aches you get when you run right after eating or drinking--and I didn't want anyone to see me crying as the pain intensified.

A couple of X-rays and a CT scan revealed an infection in the lower part of my descending colon. The doctors first thought it was diverticulitis but a later scoping revealed nothing of the sort. (More on that in a bit!)

Anyway, before cramming yourself full of fast food until your infected gastrointestinal tract begs for mercy, you should maybe know what you're getting yourself into.

Pros:

1. One good thing that came from this experience was that I lost a substantial amount of weight because I could only drink liquids for a couple of weeks--and no, smart guy, I don't normally drink solids (it's impossible), what I'm saying is that liquids were the only thing I was allowed to ingest for about two weeks and then I was to eat only soft foods for another two weeks. I lost about 10 pounds in a matter of a couple weeks; It was fast and effective weight loss.

2. Another thing I gained from this experience was a hilariously funny story about my intestines that I make sure to share on as many occasions as possible.

And no, it's never inappropriate to talk about your colon in any setting. People who protest this kind of talk are prudes and you should not associate with them.

3. Having anything wrong with your colon at 23-years-old tends to wake you up a bit. For weeks (yes, just weeks) after this experience I was very health-conscious and did my best to avoid fatty foods.

This heightened health awareness brought with it further weight loss. However, this proved very fleeting, especially once I discovered...

4. Metamucil. "But," you ask, "if Metamucil worked to move you away from healthy foods how could it be considered a 'pro?'" Let's just say that Metamucil has changed my life, I won't be specific about this because while people who turn their noses up at conversations about intestines are "prudes," people who don't like to hear details about your poops are "normal."

I also won't be specific about how Metamucil made me feel comfortable eating large quantities of unhealthy food again. I'll just tell you that it made it seem like the food never really stayed around that long, and leave it at that. No, not diarrhea. I'm definitely leaving it at that though.

5. Finally, the scoping. You're supposed to start getting a colonoscopy every five years once you turn 40. To me, this seems a tad late. Who knows what mayhem has gone on inside you until then? You could be growing a polyp the size of a softball long before age 40 and never even know about it. Scary.

At 23 I could safely say that my colon was healthy, clean, and polyp-free. Can you? You're wondering what's going on in there right now, aren't you? Don't worry, you'll be 40 sooner or later and it (hopefully) won't be too late to get that fist-sized tumor removed.

At this point, I've painted such a rosy picture of this affliction that you're probably considering pursuing some sort of gastrointestinal infection yourself. That is hasty and foolish of you, not to mention rash. You probably leave football games early too.

Tomorrow: The Cons.