Catching the Swine Flu

There has been a lot of hysteria surrounding the so-called swine flu--all of it completely justified. However, as I sit here in my bubble dome completely sealed off from the World and its pathogens, I realize that there are others--the less fortunate--who can't afford to put their lives on hold and hunker down in their shelters until this plague passes over.

Since venturing outside means certain infection, people should know exactly what they are in for. So, before you blindly volunteer to catch this virus by going about your normal lives, be sure to review my helpful list of pros and cons of catching the swine flu.

Pros:

1. The most obvious reason to catch the flu is that being sick means a sick day from work or school. Trust me, having an actual virus is a much more valid excuse (at least in the eyes of my last five employers) than cowering in one's basement for fear of getting a virus.

The swine flu is your ticket to endless hours of Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Mills Lane, Judge Mathis, Judge Hatchett, Divorce Court and Texas Justice.

2. If you get the sniffles you will certainly make it onto at least your local news shows and newspapers. If the sniffles are confirmed as the swine flu, get ready for the Big Time. Sure, the fame will be fleeting and mostly anonymous since the reports won't mention your name(is anonymous fame possible?), but when you're sitting around with your friends (probably long after the virus has worn off, because people won't want to be around you for a couple of years) you can tell them how you were the unconfirmed-but-probable case that was then tested and confirmed and promptly quarantined.

*Tip: Be sure to set you DVR when the flu hits, because the coverage of YOU will be non-stop.

3. In my view, there is no better reason to catch the swine flu than the possibility of building up immunity to future, deadlier variants. You, my friend, will have the opportunity to build a society of your own in the inevitable post-swine flu, post-apocalyptic world. Great responsibility? Yes, but even greater fun.

Cons:

1. Well, this one's easy: probable death. Sure, they're telling you it's just like any other flu, but how many other flus come from pigs? Pigs are gross, therefore flu from pigs is worse. Duh.

2. As I just stated, pigs are filthy animals. Tasty. But filthy. Do you really want a disease that's named after one of these creatures? How much more less gross does it sound to say, "I have the flu" or, "I have a cold" or, "I have allergies" than to say, "I have the swine flu"? Infinitely much more less gross, that's how much more less gross it sounds.

3. So, you thought it was pretty cool to be the guy who was all over the news because he had swine flu? What? You're friends and co-workers are making snorting noises at you and endless cans of Spam are showing up on your porch? [Editor's Note - The Spam itself is actually pro #4, the comparison to a pig is the con. Also, an AWESOME joke to insert here is, "kind of brings new meaning to the word "spamming," doesn't it? Get it? Hey oh!]

Fame has a price. Fame by swine flu is the most expensive kind.

My Assessment:

It's probably better not to get the swine flu. Stay inside and wait it out in a basement laboratory where you can develop a vaccine. In a future day we will stand together against the Pig People and build our Utopia.